Let’s just walk through a Soul Refiner open door. If you are withholding intimacy from your spouse, you are an Intimacy Anorexic and your anorexia is your choice. All of us really need to deal with the old hurts. This requires recognizing the old hurts and rejecting living a life in the victim state. Talk to God about the locked doors and ask for His power to heal you. The Soul Refiner program has counselors available, along with counselors through Faith Bible Church and marriage mentors to talk with. Get started healing by becoming responsible for the changes you can make.

Look at the consequences of Cain in Genesis 4:4-9. Incredibly, Dr. Doug Weiss, creator of Soul Refiner states, “with intimacy anorexia, it’s not the anorexic that’s in pain, it’s the spouse.” The IA believes it is better for their spouse to be in pain rather than the IA to be in pain. The sin of withholding is a path of moving from a relationship with our spouse to just making them an object. The IA withholds to harm their spouse. Stealthily or unknowingly they can discard them, replace them, objectify them, disregard their emotions and violate their boundaries. The path of Cain starts with individual value and relationship and finishes with “you have no value and I don’t have to follow any rules.” Abel was innocent yet was murdered by Cain. So even in marriage, the sin of withholding is potentially “crouching at the door.”

Awaken with clarity to your sin. With a prayer talk with your spouse. Reject your victimhood, and state the facts to your spouse: “You have value. There are rules. As an IA, I need to be responsible for my actions and ‘stop throwing you under the bus.” Ask for forgiveness and start a plan of reconciliation. With prayer and specific steps of building a relationship with God and then with your spouse, there is healing. God is here! He can restore. Hopeless to He-Can-Fix-It. God beyond me, resurrect me. Now IA, build up your spouse that God wants to see.

Session 3 puts a decision in your path. The choice of victim leads to destruction. The choice of an intimate relationship with God and then giving to your spouse leads to healing. Hope to see you at Faith Bible Church’s Soul Refiner course in January 2021.

by Steve Sagué

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